I won't lie. My mother is dead. Like six feet under in a National Cemetery about an hour away; she's near her dad, which is convenient. I hate that as a nation we feel the urgent need to celebrate femininity for a day set aside in May, when this is something I'm striving to do daily. I'm a cis gendered gay Latino male who can pass for non-Latino (i.e. Mediterranean/North African/Middle Eastern/Sephardic Jew), but I'm constantly reminding the women in my life that they are goddesses, that every they they do influences future generations. My mother taught me that a woman could amazing things, regardless of marital status. She emanated a sense of well-being regardless of her status; I knew she could thrive regardless of marital status.
In 11 hours, I'm due at my grandmother's house, the house my mother grew up in. The house where my brother and my cousins would play tetherball and Statues. I've decided I'm not going. I can stay home and be bored, but with access to alcohol or weed. I honestly feel numb because I feel I'm supporting my lady friends in their endeavors, even if I don't know what they're doing. I just found out Jessica wrote a book on California history, which was the most general topic of her dissertation. Jessica has a precocious and lovable son named Leon and teaches history at Cal State Northridge. I was seriously on board when I read something about proofing and balancing her domestic duties. HOW COULD I NOT SUPPORT HER?!
And then Gaby tells me she's going to Montreal to present with our friend and former colleague (museum life is great!) Selene. YAAS QUEENS! I love it, but know nothing of what the presentation is. Why? Because I love every fucking thing my lady friends do. I love that Robin Shea teaches at Newbury Park Academy, volunteers to get clean water to African families, and loves her family as much as she can. Valinda shapes the minds of the women who matriculate at Scripps College in Pomona, helping these women in their career paths that will influence other women like themselves. Teagan who works tirelessly in the leather community, winning titles and such (sorry hun! I'm trying to keep track as I praise you!), as well as creating an app helping trans* folx find a bathroom they can use with no questions asked. Jacqui and Linda, who have given so much to SDA Kinship and don't get the respect and honor they deserve.
The women I've mentioned and not mentioned are mothers in their own right, not because they gave birth to another, but because they have helped nurture and guided others; they have share their gifts with us and we should be thankful for that, not just today, but everyday.
13 May 2018
01 October 2017
des pensées légèrement ivres
That moment when you reconnect with someone where you kept things fluid and he's still down with that.
20 August 2016
My blue green colour flashin'…
It's been eighteen days since I found out that my dear friend Nathan took his life. It's been sixteen days since it finally hit me he was gone.
I met Nathan in late '97/early '98 randomly on AOL. We clicked. We hung out. We formed a bond in the outskirts of Los Angeles where it seemed that gays were few and far between, but with the Internet, we were much closer than we thought. Nathan and I would head out to VIP in Riverside for Beer Bust, despite the fact we were still 18/19; we didn't want to pay a cover to go out. I remember we bought an outfit to go to VIP, pleather pants and a shirt we bought at the Gap. We'd dance and dance, never realising the pleather would be the death of us. On the way home, we had the pants at our ankles, in winter, because we had become so overheated. But we had an awesome time and that's what mattered.
We moved on to other clubs. We made friends. He was always better about maintaining these friendships, as I was more misanthropic than he. But Nathan and I never lost touch, even when he was in New Orleans working for his uncle's law firm. I found out recently that his coworkers knew who I was, even though I had never met them or stepped foot in the law firm's offices.
I could honestly not talk to Nathan for months, years even, and when we would talk, it was like no time had passed. When I found out about his father, then his mother passing, I reached out. I went to his mother's memorial and it was beautiful. He was there, he was smiling, yet still grieving. I hugged him, I told him I loved him and we did a shot, and that made the world seem so much better.
Nathan never eluded to what he was going through- losing his father, then his mother. I know that a month ago, I was sitting at my bar and someone played "Silver Spring" by Fleetwood Mac from the live album The Dance, and I immediate thought of Nathan as we would drive to Buena Park blasting that album on the way there. I sent him a text telling him how much the song reminds me of him and he replied "Silver springs is a great old song" Stevie Nicks, The Dance... Haha hugs." Nathan never told me his struggles; he never told me the demons he was fighting. That was his how he rolled. I wish I could just talk to him some more and let him know that it gets less surreal, but I can't. I hate his hasty selfishness, but I know he's at peace, and honestly, it's what's best for him. And with that, I shall continue to remember that soul that touched my life and forever changed it for the best.
I don't know if I can listen to "Silver Spring" yet. But if I do, I'm honestly going to take my fucking time and remember that magnificent son of a bitch.
I met Nathan in late '97/early '98 randomly on AOL. We clicked. We hung out. We formed a bond in the outskirts of Los Angeles where it seemed that gays were few and far between, but with the Internet, we were much closer than we thought. Nathan and I would head out to VIP in Riverside for Beer Bust, despite the fact we were still 18/19; we didn't want to pay a cover to go out. I remember we bought an outfit to go to VIP, pleather pants and a shirt we bought at the Gap. We'd dance and dance, never realising the pleather would be the death of us. On the way home, we had the pants at our ankles, in winter, because we had become so overheated. But we had an awesome time and that's what mattered.
We moved on to other clubs. We made friends. He was always better about maintaining these friendships, as I was more misanthropic than he. But Nathan and I never lost touch, even when he was in New Orleans working for his uncle's law firm. I found out recently that his coworkers knew who I was, even though I had never met them or stepped foot in the law firm's offices.
I could honestly not talk to Nathan for months, years even, and when we would talk, it was like no time had passed. When I found out about his father, then his mother passing, I reached out. I went to his mother's memorial and it was beautiful. He was there, he was smiling, yet still grieving. I hugged him, I told him I loved him and we did a shot, and that made the world seem so much better.
Nathan never eluded to what he was going through- losing his father, then his mother. I know that a month ago, I was sitting at my bar and someone played "Silver Spring" by Fleetwood Mac from the live album The Dance, and I immediate thought of Nathan as we would drive to Buena Park blasting that album on the way there. I sent him a text telling him how much the song reminds me of him and he replied "Silver springs is a great old song" Stevie Nicks, The Dance... Haha hugs." Nathan never told me his struggles; he never told me the demons he was fighting. That was his how he rolled. I wish I could just talk to him some more and let him know that it gets less surreal, but I can't. I hate his hasty selfishness, but I know he's at peace, and honestly, it's what's best for him. And with that, I shall continue to remember that soul that touched my life and forever changed it for the best.
I don't know if I can listen to "Silver Spring" yet. But if I do, I'm honestly going to take my fucking time and remember that magnificent son of a bitch.
09 January 2016
Seize the time, Cause it's now or never, baby…
It's been a good six months since I've updated. I ended up going to that guy's holiday party and spending the night. It was fucking awkward, as I felt like he was making a shit ton of excuses why he couldn't reconnect with me. I'm honestly glad we didn't reconnect; he's not in the the best place.
As I muddle through this life and my relationships, I remind myself to live an honest life. There are events that are going on without me, without initial information. Do I get upset? No, I do like the drunks and give it back into the universe. Do I feel like I'm missing out? No, I've other experiences to shape my life. I do feel, at times, that someone would give me a heads up so I don't feel like an outcast.
In the mean time, I've gone on three dates with a guy I met. He's rather sweet and handsome. We saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens in IMAX and 3D the other night. About 40 minutes in, we held hands. It was nice. It was sweet. It was terribly innocent and I relish in that fact. I love that things are moving along slowly. I bloody can't wait to see him again, as he makes me giddy.
As I muddle through this life and my relationships, I remind myself to live an honest life. There are events that are going on without me, without initial information. Do I get upset? No, I do like the drunks and give it back into the universe. Do I feel like I'm missing out? No, I've other experiences to shape my life. I do feel, at times, that someone would give me a heads up so I don't feel like an outcast.
In the mean time, I've gone on three dates with a guy I met. He's rather sweet and handsome. We saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens in IMAX and 3D the other night. About 40 minutes in, we held hands. It was nice. It was sweet. It was terribly innocent and I relish in that fact. I love that things are moving along slowly. I bloody can't wait to see him again, as he makes me giddy.
22 July 2015
timeless like a broken watch
I was able to talk to him. We cleared the air and he took accountability for what happened. I'm more likely to give back respect to someone who can admit what they did and apologise. We're working on being friends again.
I started rewatching Queer As Folk on Netflix after finishing Grey's Anatomy and its eleven seasons. Four episodes in and I'm reminded of my life fifteen years ago. Do I miss it? Some times. I remember my friends and I wanting to live like Ted, Michael, Brian, Emmett, Justin, and the others (save for the lesbians!). I think in an unrelated way, my life is like that- I have a family of choice and we're there for each other. I'm still trying to figure out who to ask to hide my porn and other accrutrements if I'm in a coma.
I started rewatching Queer As Folk on Netflix after finishing Grey's Anatomy and its eleven seasons. Four episodes in and I'm reminded of my life fifteen years ago. Do I miss it? Some times. I remember my friends and I wanting to live like Ted, Michael, Brian, Emmett, Justin, and the others (save for the lesbians!). I think in an unrelated way, my life is like that- I have a family of choice and we're there for each other. I'm still trying to figure out who to ask to hide my porn and other accrutrements if I'm in a coma.
22 June 2015
17 June 2015
quickest girl in the frying pan
He never called. I never expected that. I honestly feel much better letting him go as it was too much for me and my soul to rely on. After I called him, I meditated and did an energy cleanse; I awoke the day emotionally rested.
I've been focusing on my friend with benefits and wondering where it will lead.
I'm back from a late night impromptu drink sesh with an acquaintance and I can say he's made his way into a my life as a friend. We talked, we dish, we disclosed and it had been a long time coming. He's a welcome addition to my circle.
I've been focusing on my friend with benefits and wondering where it will lead.
I'm back from a late night impromptu drink sesh with an acquaintance and I can say he's made his way into a my life as a friend. We talked, we dish, we disclosed and it had been a long time coming. He's a welcome addition to my circle.
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